Coming to grips

Just when I thought that I was the only one gasping for air, along came friends who are just as desperate as I am to finish off graduate school. If only to claim relief in knowing that someone else is pressing in on the same boat, I'd be my own guest to suck it all up.

Well yes, I've been working on my paper for more than a year now. I've capitalized on procrastination far more than anything I have ever imagined myself am capable of being. Truth be told, I’m tired of just longing. I want to graduate and do something else, other than this. I even struck a bargain with my officemates (their next carbonara will be on me), again if only to stimulate my already growing low self-motivation.

I have other things in mind after graduate school. For one, my interest to pursue European languages has already caught up with my paper! I'm done with one quarter of mis clases Españolas, and so far, it has been good.

In the words of my thesis adviser, "...okay, but don't let it stay with you too long."

Believe me this time, I won't keep it stale.

Counting screws

"Isa lang ang hiniling 'ko sa kanila: ang karapatan 'kong madapa at bumangon sa buhay nang walang tatawa, magagalit, magtatanong o magbibilang kung ilang beses na akong nagkamali at ilang ulit ako dapat bumawi."

-- A B N K K B S N P L Ko?!
Mga Kwentong Chalk ni Bob Ong. ©2001.

bonito!

ANG GALING!!! Sony Ericsson + Cybershot in 1! Awesome.

Nostalgic

The gentle air of rain
reminiscent tunes refraining not;
tending intangible keepsakes

and then...

Goodbyes.

That I missed

I have no idea how the grapevine twined here at work yesterday, because since I came in to my "bat cave" this morning, I've been picking up somewhat exaggerated, way out of proportional responses from people around me.

"How's your back? Does it still hurt?"

"Hey, are you any better?"

"I suggest you go and have your spine checked."

"How are you?" (with matching soft pat on the shoulder)

Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate their concern. It's just that I find it a bit odd, as I don't usually get such remarks from people I don't relate to personally. They sounded like I was near-death yesterday.

Unbeknownst to them, it's the chicken sisig delivered for lunch yesterday that is still making me go tsk tsk today. Argh! I missed that. That, and the two cups of rice that goes perfectly well along with it. Yesterday's lunch will never be the same as today's. Hehehe.

Siempre = Always

SIEMPRE
de Pablo Neruda

Antes de mi
no tengo celos.

Ven con un hombre
a la espalda,
ven con cien hombres en tu cabellera,
ven con mil hombres entre tu pecho y tus pies,
ven como un rio

lleno de ahogados
que encuentra el mar furioso,
la espuma eterna, el tiempo!

Traelos todos
adonde yo te espero:
siempre estaremos solos,
siempre estaremos tu y yo
solos sobre la tierra
para comenzar la vida!

ALWAYS

I am not jealous
of what came before me.

Come with a man
on your shoulders,
come with a hundred men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,
come like a river
full of drowned men
which flows down to the wild sea,
to the eternal surf, to Time!

Bring them all
to where I am waiting for you;
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be you and I
alone on earth
to start our life!

Looking forward to a groovy weekend!

They're from the Kuzco Academy

While we're on the subject of Disney channel movies...

Finally, after six long years since Kuzco rocked my animated world, Disney Channel Asia is premiering tomorrow night a new cartoon series called The Emperor's New School. That will be more of Kuzcotopia and Yzmania for me. Yey! :-p

The Channel's marking the event with a Kuzco marathon (Emperor's New Groove, Emperor's New School, Kronk's New Groove). Therefore my friends, my weekend is solved. Oh, yeah. So solved. Hehehe ;-p

[I'm a certified Disney addict, in case you STILL didn't get the picture]

Like a doormat for diversions

Remarkably, my diversions to alleviate stress turned out to be a combination of an overdose of Disney channel movies, and a quarter-pack of Spanish lessons.

Yes it's trivial. But I must say that these have afforded me instantaneous cure. I would liken the sensation to platelets rushing steadily to rehabilitate a laceration ripping out in progress. For a temporary antidote, these diversions happened right on time, just as the doormat was about to be delivered to the sickbay.

Diversions -- or simply put, distractions -- offered me temporary relief. Memorizing lines from Disney movies by heart while looking forward to speaking conversational Spanish in three months' time have become my culture for the past couple of weeks. In a way, it's therapeutic. Really.

Am I making sense here?! Creo que si..

Raising adults

The past week was a long one for me -- literally and figuratively. Up to now, I'm still undergoing physical and emotional self-medication.

I had to grow up five hundred times faster than normal pace in order to raise adults in five days. I needed to be a parent, a sister, a friend, a counselor, a therapist, a damage controller, a spongebob, the bearer of disturbing news...and then be myself again whenever I go to bed every night ever since. Heaven knows just how much I would long for each day to end and couldn't wait to reward myself with restful sleep. Superheroship is one exhausting business indeed, but my hands are tied. I still have to wake up every morning and rise up to all the occasions confronting me.

And for the nth time, I have to force myself to mature.

Cruel irony

After seven years of being greeted by hefty shelves of books here in the library, I would at times find it inevitable to fall back on these resources for self-help. As if, all of life's answers to man's problems are confined in this four-cornered hall. I need not go far off. It's all in here, right where I get paid every week. Although I know it's absurd to ever think that books (collectively speaking) will solve my psychotic tendencies, I continue to suck up to this self-deception nevertheless.

There are moments when I just find myself unconsciously looking up at the dictionary to translate my sentiments (argh! and I won't stop until I find the right word for it). Or search away in the catalog database the handbook that would give me the appropriate remedy to my forebodings.

Like, now.

What is "disappointed" in Tagalog?

What is more intense than the word "pain"? (There's got to be. There has to be!)

Is there a complete idiot's guide to numbed out idiots?

Input search expression: materials on "how to summon split personalities and be at best in all or both" = 0 entries...why zero?!?!

I'm desperate for answers, but books don't have them. This is what makes it totally inanimate.

Welcoming the rain

Summer has come and gone by so swiftly, it left me with so little time to spill over my whereabouts during the season. It would've been really easy to put the blame on the discomforts brought about by the sweltering heat (try 37 degrees Celsius), but truth be told, I just didn't feel the kick to write down something. Not that I felt obligated to say anything (if only for the sake of adding in another post up here). I knew I had a lot to let out, yet still gave in to lethargy.

It's been raining since last week, but it was not until two nights ago when my restlessness for howling stormy winds and heavy rains resurrected within my system. My anxiety over typhoons more often graduates into an unreasonable overreaction -- I'd stay wide awake whenever there's a downpour at night and walk around inspecting practically everything in the house. Somehow, I have this stubborn involuntary muscle that twitches automatically at the onset of rain. Silly, huh?

Along with the coming of the rain are the people populating the bookstores hoarding off school supplies for their ward. Schools are to open their gates three (others, four) weeks from now, so until then, unless you are in dire need of pen refills, better stay out of the book/school supplies' shops. I waited in line for almost 20 minutes just to have my pen refill billed. It would've been too easy for me to pocket in my "purchase", get out of the line and no one (even the person next to me) would ever notice my evil deed. Of course I wasn't even half-crazy to give into it, but I admit the thought kept me up amused for a while ;-)

Despite these, I still welcome the rain. And just like in previous years, I know I can live with my anxieties. I've earned enough coping mechanisms to last me a lifetime of typhoons.

A heap of burning coals

I feel awfully sad for some people who think that key job positions entitle them to instant lordship and pharaoh pedestals. I spill pity over the same people who are just as deceived into thinking that just because they're given crowns of glory, they MUST (emphasis on that) be favored with immune royalty.

Thankfully, I never saw nor treated headship that way. I pay the highest esteem for individuals who have made it to the top, but with the praises never bloating up their heads. My deepest respects are for the handful pick of supervisors who do not cling arrogantly onto their titles but instead, continues to busy themselves up into becoming a team player.

The pride of being able to brag and exercise the power of control over your subordinates is of course, tempting. The thing is, if you're not careful enough and fall for this, you will end up having enemies and really mean detractors. Or worse, that very title that you so treasure greedily could be taken away from you. That's not a pretty mirror to face when that happens.

And if that happens (because it happens all the time), what would that experience make of you? Would you just sulk and wallow? Would you take it bitterly and stop there? Would you loathe and get back hard on your minions?

OR...

Would you treat that "unpleasant experience" as a heap of burning coals on your head? Would you instead focus on working hard on your people skills and start all over again to earn your co-workers' respect once more?

It's your card, Miss.

Over a month ago, I was given a huge responsibility at work. Our head librarian probably thought that I'm a big girl now and clever enough to handle a department of my own. I'd be a liar if I say I never wanted the post (AV librarian), but to be honest, handling a department in the university library of the University of the Philippines magnets a lot of pressure to a greenhorn supervisor. Nevertheless, I humbly took the job (as if I had a choice) and decided to work harmoniously with my team (that was my choice). No, I will never be an egotistical, bigheaded, demeaning boss. I will work real hard to earn my staff's respect.

Rehydrated

The first sign of summer in the Philippines: rain. You'll know that summer is here when the rain showers over your head when you least expect it. Or better yet, when you most need it. It ceases when you've had enough water for tilling the soil.

I'm fine now. Just a little haggard from lack of sleep, but a lot better.

To you, who always listens and pushes the quiet button to inject sense:

THANKS. YOU ARE MY GEM.

To you, who offered to punch her/him -- except that her, happens to be me:

MIL GRACIAS.

To you, who said I should wear a bikini for summer and thinks I'm sexy (iiiwww!) with it on:
MIL GRACIAS.

To you, who encouraged me to get back to my joy:

THANKS. I FELT YOUR HUGS FROM AFAR.

To You, who brings down the rain at the right time, always:
SALAMAT PO.

I am mine.

Sometimes I think I don't know myself anymore. Lately, I've been having stressful times at making decisions among things that in my heart I want to do versus the conventions put forth by circumstances. I knew I'm done and over with fickle-mindedness, but how come I feel half-convinced, half-regretful after putting my foot down every time? Somehow, there's this bitter aftertaste and I couldn't get over with it. It bites and I know that if don't take action, it will devour my entire being down to my last toenail.

Maybe what's killing me more is that judgmental look piercing through me whenever I say "No." and everyone else says "Yes." It would backfire to me, just as casual as one would normally walk in the room by the main door. It gives me the impression that I'm missing out on a lot, when in truth, it's not really a matter of life and death. It sears too much, it jerks me off into compromising. It just sucks.

I'm seeing the consequences of my uncertainties. I've become more and more insecure and it's robbing me of my joy.

I need to get my joy back. It's mine to share.

Throw off the throttles

A classic piece of advice such as the "letting (it) go theory" was once again reincarnated to me by last night's episode of Aircrash Investigation (a National Geographic special). It was about an elite Russian pilot who treats his 15 year old son to a surprise cockpit trip that eventually throttled into the airline's doom (read an account of the events here). The investigation revealed that aircraft error was not the principal cause of the crash (thus, saving Airbus' fate). It merely posed as an effect of the pilots' scarce proficiency of the A310. The immediate reflex was to take control of the plane and save all 75 lives from this fatal demise. However, that bold intention was not able to fulfill its noble purpose.

The solution was very simple. The pilots just have to let go of the maneuver and let the autopilot do the noble purpose for which it was built for.

Now that has a very huge point. How difficult could an easy gesture really be?

Indeed, it is our basic instinct to take on our best controls in order to save ourselves from life's catastrophes. And then just when everything has taken its toll, we wouldn't let go; for fear that if we do, that would be the end of it all.

Letting go is not equal to defeat. Letting go is holding on to what is divine. Letting go is a leap of faith.

That grand design called serendipity

What happens when the south pole cross paths with the north? Will they ever?
Who whispered proximity to time?
How come five years seem equal to zero?

We sometimes miss it even when it hits us between the eyes. Why?

Things fall into place like ice cream scoops is to sugar cones. One is called from the other end of the galaxy in order to traverse an orbit parallel to the other. It's a riddle sometimes difficult to entangle, but in the end, still you can.

Why?

It just happens. Come away and let us navigate together.

Mistaken identity

I remember while on summer camp a few years back, I walked into some friends flocked together playing Boggle and then when I tried butting in if I can join them, one of them said, "Naku, talo na agad tayo nyan. E librarian 'yan, laging kasama mga libro. Malawak ang bokabularyo nyan!" [We’re instant losers. she's a librarian, always surrounded with books. just imagine her vocabulary] I chuckled in shock at this reaction and said, "Do I really make that 'walking encyclopedia' impression?!"

Truth be told, I'd rather rub crayons onto coloring books than read my prep texts when I was a kid. I'd fancy colorful stuffs (picture books, fun comics, etc.) than read perfectly-printed monographs during my teens. I think the closest thing I read next to thick paperbacks was Sweet Valley Twins. My parents practically left me to do what I want to do (so long as they don't see failing marks to my name) and nibbling books was never in my list. Now this has become one of my biggest regrets (besides wearing ripped jeans). It was only in college when I started leafing through "real books" and even now that I'm a librarian, I'm just beginning to curb a career of becoming a voracious reader.

There. I'm no competition to word game addicts. But I know I can still fool people into thinking that I am, so for them, I think am going to live with that impression for a while.

All grown up

Once upon a time, we were just college classmates each taking part in a phone brigade -- happening during the wee hours of the morning -- consulting each other whether or not we got our 3"x5" card margins right for our cataloging class.

This morning, I sat with one of them who were once part of that disturbing phone brigade. This time around, we were classmates no more but two colleagues discussing about a major digitization project for the library where we both serve.


-o0o-


I never failed catching up on her daily dose of kilig moments about her object/s of affection (a.k.a. crush/es) whenever we ran into each other every single school day.

A couple of months back, I sent her an e-mail inquiring if her network could possibly donate media materials for my library. She said I needed to write to her superiors and promised to back me up if and when I needed one.


-o0o-


They used to spoil my lazy Sunday afternoons by playing arbiter to their cat quarrels (I repeatedly thought that the two of them were miserable disasters put together).

I am now the godmother of their first-born and she's about to deliver their second. Yes, these two "disasters" ended up together.


-o0o-


I sent her to school and I've lost count as to how many times I nagged her into cutting off from too much partying. I was her version of Cruella de Vil.

She treated me out to fine-dining this noon. And that was not the first time.



We've all grown up, see.

A spoiler excused

The San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra and
The San Miguel Master Chorale at the Shang.

I received an email alert from one of my e-group thread early Saturday morning about SMPO and SMMC's free concert at the Shangri-La mall slated for that evening, and out of mad excitement (live orchestral music for FREE!!!), I wasted no time in tagging Vincent along with me into scurrying up there after work (am on Saturday duty since dinosaurs first roamed the earth, yes). I had no idea that that was exactly what he had in mind for days. I didn't mean to spoil his surprise and consequently, beating him to it :-)

The concert was FANTASTIC! I usually complain about -- next to involuntary starvation -- having to be up on my heels for just a little over 30 minutes, but that night, I never once grumbled during the show. I haven't even noticed time passing, enduring two full hours of being stationary and almost motionless. Before the first score was flailed, my "hyperactivity" started kicking in as I just couldn't help being so, so thrilled (my companion had to actually force me to stay put and shushed me several times that night)...I was back to my normal self immediately after the show. No, I'm not exaggerating.

The music was soothing, tuning into it was like falling into a trance. It's all worth the numbed out legs... And his patience, too. *wink* Thank you, dearest.

Clueless

My proclamation is that I am not at the least bit interested. And yet much of what's behind that edict would reveal another side that presents another universe of interest.

Unknown to him, my baffled heart leaps a million miles.